I celebrated my 19th birthday last 8th of September...I usually hate celebrating my birthday..Depression usually strikes at its strongest point whenever that day comes..A cycle of thoughts and feelings were being responded to when this day comes. At the end of the day, I would usually get so morose as I start reflecting about the nothingness and misery I created out of this existence which is supposed to be an opportunity for me to create something and turn myself into something that truly exists. I fell deeper into the abyss of cynicm since I have again and again learned that I totally did not make the most out of those 365 days and thousands of opportunities to love all the people who show great affection and care for me, to open up myself and be friends to people whose judgments are dictated by the norms of the society, to mature as a sound individual, and to rectify all the mistakes I have done or still have been doing, to learn based on the ideas of the authority figures around me - not just my on own disdainful ideas, to be more selfless and be more concerned to those around me, and other new-year's-list type of things I needed to accomplish. During the last five years of my life, I have always felt that I am a big failure. The 8th of September had always been a time that made me prove this idea. When I was still at the verge wherein I embraced death, I even wanted to end it all on that day of celebration of life. I wouldn't want to go deeper into the phantoms of my subconscious, since this was the past - the past wherein I was blinded by emotions over logic and reason.

    Things are totally different now. I now know that I am eventually creating something out of the nothingness I have been. I can say that I am now a better person than that girl I used to despise. I have been giving more importance to logic over feelings and series of depression and anxiety. Sadness is just a state of mind, a self-created problem that encompasses a variety of reactions, which can either be rational or foolish. But it's hard to base one's reaction under the grounds of intellect and logic when in the past, one has completely allowed himself to be devoured by that emptiness. I still get the same feelings all over again but I fight the impulse now. Looking on the brighter side of my life makes me drift away into that void of emptiness. I may not be living my life the way I want to but I am lucky - lucky to be loved and guided by someone who has a great will and effort in shaping me into the best person I can be. I can't ask for anything more; I can say that I am happy now. I have never been this happy. If my life would be compared to a novel, I am now enjoying the climax of the story. There's an unexplainable enigma in how he changed me, my perspective, my values and belief system, and the other aspects of my life. It's magical how someone who is damned, or someone who just thinks she is, or someone who's just plain ass dumb can amend her existence due to that sole being who made her realize the essence of life per se. It’s amazing how I realized that through him, I can now truly exist.